Russell and Carol - hayle and hearty

This is, of course, true. But everyone’s terrified of this idea, because it involves opening the poke and revealing the pig, and it’s a terrible pig.

Inevitably. When you’re asked to buy a pig in a poke, the first question in your mind should be “why does this pig have to be inside the poke during this transaction?”

You might think that the pig was shy, or photosensitive. In this case the pig-vendor took the line that the pig was so self-evidently brilliant that it did not, in fact, need to be seen before purchase.

Again, you should at the very least poke the poke to be sure it contains a pig, and not - let’s say - three dead fish and a broken spanner. This basic check was offensive to the vendor. That is a warning sign.

However, the pro-pig movement dismissed these objections, bought the poke as-is, and here we are. It seems that within the pro-pig movement, there are some basic issues of biological education.

It has recently been revealed that the minister for pigs actually did not know that pigs had to be fed. He was under the impression they photosynthesise. This is untrue.

Others believe certain things about the unseen pig which may lead to disappointment when the poke is opened. David Davis and Liam Fox apparently expect wings or naturally-occurring helium flotation.

Pigs do not posses these things. It is overwhelmingly likely that what is in the poke will not be able to fly.

Many people believe various things. Let’s list some: - pigs will make us free - pigs can heal the sick - pigs will make us more British - pigs clear the way for social democracy - pigs clear the way for unfettered buccaneer capitalism

All of these people will be disappointed when the poke opens, because what is inside is a miserable, emaciated, lonely skeleton, friendless and stinking, hungry, shuddering, cold and diseased.

It’s the fucking ghost of Brexmas Pig.

And as the moment of pig draws nigh, all these separate and disputatious pig-fanciers can feel disgrace and downfall in their water, and so they will do almost anything to avoid opening the poke.

But the poke is opening. That is the nature of pokes. The snuffling Typhoid Mary of this death of common sense and good practice is going to be born to proud MPs will-they, nil-they.

Let it be seen. Let Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and their delirious clique proudly unveil their prize pig, and show us what a wonderful purchase it is. Let parliament and the country find fitting rewards.

Or let’s apologise, return the poke, and learn by this. Because being too afraid to discuss what’s in the poke is no way to run a country. /ends.